Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th

Two and a half years ago, to the date exactly, we found out that we had lost our baby. It was my second pregnancy and we were thrilled when we found out. Our son was 2 1/2 years old and anxious for a sibling. I had planned an entire life for this small being inside of me. And then, on April 15th, we found out that life was gone. I had started spotting...something I hadn't done in my first pregnancy. My regular doctor wasn't in clinic that day so I saw a different doctor, who had to give us the news that I had miscarried this baby. I knew it by the look on the sonographer's face, by the way she measured everything else, rather than looking for a heart beat. I just knew...and my heart was broken. I didn't want to have a D&C. It felt inhumane to me. It felt like an abortion to me, even though the baby was no longer alive. So I decided to wait. I decided to just let nature take it's course instead...until the bleeding didn't stop. And I ended up in the ER, dizzy from losing so much blood, pale and scared. I'll never forget being wheeled back to the OR. My husband holding my hand as long as he possibly could...the tears rolling down my face as the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face...and the wonderful person who wiped those tears away. Those are things that I will never forget. My husband and I decided that even though we didn't know if this baby was a boy or a girl, but we knew that this baby needed a name. Mac Riley
Fast forward a few more months and I was pregnant again. They measured HCG levels, they checked progesterone levels, both of which were low. It was almost inevitable, but we were hopeful. Would we get to keep this baby? Would this baby join our family? Or would we have another heart break again. August 18th...we had an early ultrasound scheduled due to my last miscarriage. I laid down and the scan started...and ended with "I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing what we're looking for." At least this time, the sonographer had enough strength to tell us rather than tell us to wait for the doctor. So we went downstairs to meet my new OB. (I had previously seen family practice and because of the first miscarriage, my doctor wanted to refer me onto a specialist). What a way to meet someone new...going over options. Except this time, I didn't really have time to let nature take it's course. Our son's third birthday was on Saturday and we had family coming to town. So instead, I opted for the D&C this time. Same story...different day. The anesthesiologist said that he could see by the look on my face that I wasn't coming for an elective procedure. Nope, not really. And the same thing...exactly 4 months later, going under anesthesia, tears rolling down my face, losing another baby...losing another life. Mady Lou
For a long time, we didn't tell anyone. There were only a few people who knew that I had miscarried. Not even our parents knew. I didn't want to broadcast it to the world. I didn't want the whole world to know that we were trying to have another baby. I didn't want everyone to ask questions non-stop or assume things if I didn't have a glass of wine that day, I was pregnant. I didn't want any of it. I just wanted my husband. We leaned on each other, rather than having our parent swoop in to take care of us. And that was exactly what I needed. It took me a while to figure out why I didn't want anyone to know, why I didn't want our parents to know. And then I realized it was because I wanted my husband...and I didn't want to hurt their feelings by pushing them away and telling them that we didn't need them. I knew that it would be hurtful...I mean, I'd be hurt if my daughter told me she just wanted her husband and not her mom. It would be hard. But it brought us back to a place that we hadn't been to in a long time. And then in November, when we hadn't been tracking cycles or actually "trying" I got pregnant with our daughter. And the last six months were a new part of our past.  
As time went on, I realized that it didn't need to be a secret. I didn't need to not talk about it. And the more people I shared it with, the more people came out with their own stories. And that's what October 15th is all about. I am a mother of two precious angels. I can't wait for the day to know if they were boys or girls. And someday I will. It's hard not knowing right now. But God has plans for everything and he had a reason for this. He always does.
So today, I'm choosing to remember Mac and Mady and what they gave us in their short time with our family.

No comments:

Post a Comment